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The Bane of Video Game To Movie Translations
Director (and I use the term loosely) Uwe Boll
Posted by: Damin - June 01, 2005 - 02:12:11 PM

There has been a growing trend for video games to branch out their franchises into the world of Hollywood. Yet, I don't think there has been a bona fide hit among them. You have Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat I and II, Double Dragon, Super Mario Brothers, Tomb Raider and Resident Evil, and most of them sucked ass. (Although the last two franchises mentioned were sort of ok.) But there is one director who takes the cake when it comes to doing bad video game to movie translations: Uwe Boll, aka Uwe "Toilet" Boll, aka Uwe "Boll"ocks, aka Uwe "Boll"shit.

How bad are the marketing "geniuses" at these video game companies to negotiate and come up with Uwe Boll getting his grubby mitts all over them? Granted, the franchises that get filtered to him aren't the biggest, but that doesn't give anybody carte blanche to put out shit. I think if VG companies are that desperate to get their product out as movies, they should at least have a clause that prevents Uwe Boll from directing. Just look at his track record.

House of the Dead (2003) - Wow how shitty is this? This is supposed to be a "prequel" to the video game franchise. The plot revolves around some kids who go to this remote island for some kind of super rave. They miss the main ferry, arrive late, only to find the rave location covered in blood and nobody around. So instead of running as far the fuck away like you would expect, they decide to go looking for everybody. During their search the kids find the scary house and all the undead. It's your basic zombie movie, but just to drive home the point that it is a horrible film, the editors cut in clips from the video game during the action sequences. That's absolutely pointless and they probably needed something to distract you from how bad the movie is.

Alone in the Dark (2005) - This movie starts off with some boring scrolling text with dull narration on top of that. Woohoo. If that doesn't get you excited about a movie then I don't know what will! Despite the extensive narration, I couldn't even tell you what the "plot" of the movie is. Something to do with a gateway between earth and hell and a crazy paranormal scientist who wants to create demon/human hybrids. It has some really bad editing, causing you to scratch your head at how the current scene ties in with anything else you've seen. That's about all I remember, or all my psyche is allowing me to not repress, about this movie. Props to Christian Slater for not walking off set and actually trying to act (sort of) through the bad writing and even worse directing.

Bloodrayne (2005/2006/never?) - Hopefully this movie will never be released in theaters. I read somwhere that the producers are still looking for a distributor. After "House of the Dead" and "Alone in the Dark," we can only hope that Hollywood has finally realized that Uwe Boll is a steaming pile when it comes to directing. Just watch the trailer here. Usually a trailer shows off the best scenes from really bad movies as a necessity to sell it. But when the trailer has no spectacular scenes and makes you cringe in embarrassment for the actors, it can't be anything but bad. Speaking of the actors, Ben Kingsley has a part in the movie. He's been nominated for numerous Oscars, and won Best Actor for "Ghandi." Surely he's not that hard up for roles? The only logical explanation is that the casting director has some kind of blackmail on Mr. Kingsley, which forced him to sign on.

Uwe Boll has a couple of other video game to movie translations on the horizon, namely "Hunter: The Reckoning" and "Far Cry." I usually don't like to assume things, but I don't think I am going out on limb by assuming that these will suck pretty hard, too.

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January 2023